Sunday, August 19, 2012

She's Gone

Last week we had a huge decision to make regarding A.  We had requested that she remain in respite type care while we continue to work with her, going to therapy, family visits...  Our hope was for a very long transition home as she was therapeutically (safe) ready.  This was what was recommended by the staff during her most recent hospitalization.  Their opinion is that she is avoiding dealing the abuse and neglect she has experienced and as a result is beginning to repeat some of the abuses on smaller children and animals.  Huge red flags, right?!  The best advice we received was from the same hospital staff, which was, make it clear to the social workers what we were willing to do and not willing to do, and be prepared to walk away.  (a lot easier said than done!)  We did that, didn't expect a positive outcome, but we sure did hope.

A is officially no longer part of our family.  There is no plan to work toward coming home.  She is back into the "system" as a foster child instead of being a pre-adoptive placement.  We don't understand why they couldn't try to make this work, but we are not part of the decision making process.

We are packing her things.  Unlike other foster children we have had, her things are everywhere.  She was staying.  "Her" movies and mixed in with the families.  "Her" toys are blended in with all the others.  I'm trying to remember what were her specific Christmas, birthday, Easter...gifts.  Pictures.  Her pictures are everywhere.  I need to make an album for her to document these past 2 years.  E and J's wedding, she was a flower girl.  Her and baby E in their matching football wear.  Group shots that the kids surprised me with for Christmas this year.  So many photos.

I have been packing in bits.  Gather and organize until the emotions get to be too much.  Leave it for the day and come back to it.  Her room is beginning to look like a storage unit.

This is the most challenging thing we have ever gone through.  Both living with A and realizing we can not continue to do so.  We want her safe and happy, whether it is with us or someone else.  She needs to learn she is worth loving and deserves so much.

What completely kills me is we don't know if we even get to say good-bye.




21 comments:

  1. Cari this is heartbreaking. I'm so sad for you, your family, and A. Saying many prayers for you all. Much love.

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    1. Thanks Deb. Your support and wisdom have been such a blessing!

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  2. Oh Cari I am so sorry :( Praying and crying for you all. Wish I was close enough to give you a hug but please know I'm with you in spirit.

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    1. Getting to talk to you was the best hug yesterday, wow did I ever need that. You lifted my spirit.

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  3. Put a letter to A somewhere unobtrusive in her stuff. Let her know that this is not what you wanted and how you wish it could be different. {{{Hugs}}}

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    1. I have had that same thought. Will let you know if I am able to pull it off:)

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  4. I am so sorry Cari. I know how you have anguished over this decision. Once again the system has failed. It's so unfair to all of you, especially A. (((HUGS)))

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  5. I love the idea of a letter (GB's mom is so wise!). I'm so sorry your family is going through this. It isn't fair to any of you, especially A. I hope you get to say goodbye. She needs to hear from you that you aren't abandoning her, though it may feel that way.

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    1. I too can't imagine how us just appearing to walk away does anything but harm her further. We pray we will get some time with her, soon.

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  6. I believe you just have to hang on to the fact that you planted seeds of love and goodness in her heart, as we did with our oldest. But it ended up that she couldn't live in our home and we no longer know anything about her life. I just know we planted seeds and modeled what a family can be and we trust God to place others in her life to nurture her. I'm sorry, Cari.

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    1. Thank you so much Marty. We have to cling to the thought that we did leave thoughts that she is worth fighting for and that eventually she will realize this. Thank you so much for sharing and encouragement. I am so sorry you have had to walk this path.

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  7. Praying for you guys. I agree with Marty and GB's Mom. You HAVE made a difference in her life . I know it. Because I was once like her. (((hug)))

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  8. Cari, I am just so, so sorry. This is heartbreaking. My thoughts and prayers are with your family right now.

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    1. Thank you Sharla. It really does help:)

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  9. Cari, my heart breaks for you and the rest of the family. Trust God that the time spent with A did make a difference in her life.

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    1. We are holding onto that thought for dear life. Thank you so much Mary Ellen.

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  10. Cari I'm so sorry, I don't know what else to say. I'm crying for both of us tonight. Love you and lots and lots of hugs.

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    1. Still think our girls were separated at birth. We are keeping you and T in our prayers. Love and hugs.

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  11. Cari and family. We know you have all made a GREAT difference in A's life and it may not seem so now, we believe it will come back to her later in life. Hugs are coming your way from all of us!

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  12. I am so sorry. It is heartbreaking just to read about and I know your entire family must be devastated. I will never understand CPS, and I agree with the others- if there is any way for you to let her know this is not what you wanted, you should. Even if she doesn't understand until she is an adult- Hopefully some day she will understand.

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