Last week we had a huge decision to make regarding A. We had requested that she remain in respite type care while we continue to work with her, going to therapy, family visits... Our hope was for a very long transition home as she was therapeutically (safe) ready. This was what was recommended by the staff during her most recent hospitalization. Their opinion is that she is avoiding dealing the abuse and neglect she has experienced and as a result is beginning to repeat some of the abuses on smaller children and animals. Huge red flags, right?! The best advice we received was from the same hospital staff, which was, make it clear to the social workers what we were willing to do and not willing to do, and be prepared to walk away. (a lot easier said than done!) We did that, didn't expect a positive outcome, but we sure did hope.
A is officially no longer part of our family. There is no plan to work toward coming home. She is back into the "system" as a foster child instead of being a pre-adoptive placement. We don't understand why they couldn't try to make this work, but we are not part of the decision making process.
We are packing her things. Unlike other foster children we have had, her things are everywhere. She was staying. "Her" movies and mixed in with the families. "Her" toys are blended in with all the others. I'm trying to remember what were her specific Christmas, birthday, Easter...gifts. Pictures. Her pictures are everywhere. I need to make an album for her to document these past 2 years. E and J's wedding, she was a flower girl. Her and baby E in their matching football wear. Group shots that the kids surprised me with for Christmas this year. So many photos.
I have been packing in bits. Gather and organize until the emotions get to be too much. Leave it for the day and come back to it. Her room is beginning to look like a storage unit.
This is the most challenging thing we have ever gone through. Both living with A and realizing we can not continue to do so. We want her safe and happy, whether it is with us or someone else. She needs to learn she is worth loving and deserves so much.
What completely kills me is we don't know if we even get to say good-bye.